Don't Leave Mee Coffee!

Have you ever been addicted to something (or someone hehe)? And after being addicted, have you ever been deprived of your one true love? Your all-time favorite?

My “love affair” with coffee began when I started working in 1999. And I would have to say that it developed into an addiction of sorts. Everyday, I would drink a tall Americano with breakfast, espresso with lunch, espresso with dinner and another cup before I workout in the gym after office hours.

When I had a nervous breakdown in 2007, I was devastated to learn that I can NEVER, EVER drink coffee again! What a bummer! It was the most heartbreaking thing for me! It might sound ridiculous for some but, really, IT WAS AN ISSUE. I tried to cajole my psychiatrist – hoping that he would allow me to drink – even decaf! And he did allow me! Weepee! But only “ONCE in a while.” Well, AT LEAST, I can still taste a bit of it, even once a month? :/

Well, I interpreted “once in a while” as “once A DAY decaf.”

As I suffered from the “permanent” loss of “real” coffee in my life, I sought for something to fill the void. A-ha! ICED TEA! My doctor said that I can drink it (diluted with lots of ice) “once in a while.” Wah-lah! And so, there began my friendship with TEA. When the milk tea craze hit the metro, I was ecstatic. My favorite was milk tea with lots and lots of tapioca pearls (sago). At last! Gone were my lonely days of not having any “comfort drink.”

Last December 2012, I was tempted to drink caffeinated coffee again. I could not resist the aroma of freshly brewed grounds at home. I thought, nothing bad could happen since I hadn't had any psychotic episode for more than a year. Well, that’s what I thought. Here’s what happened. My family and I were in Coron, Palawan and yes, I had been drinking strong coffee DAILY for a week. And, poof! I had a mild episode right after the island hopping! (Good thing it happened after that tour lest I would have ruined the whole trip!) I was paranoid and was crying about my paranoid thoughts. I thought that my family members were thinking ill of me. It was a blessing that my family was there to comfort me – as always. My sister who just came home from the States was so shocked and heartbroken to see me on an episode for the first time!

And so, on a psychotherapy after that event, my doctor and family emphasized that I really CANNOT have any stimulant nor caffeine in my body. Period. If I loved myself, my family and God, I will obey and sacrifice my wants. Boohoo.

So, now, I cannot drink anything – meaning, coffee, tea, chocolate, soda, whether hot nor cold, nothing, NOTHING! Nothing except water (the universal solvent – something I learned from Chemistry class in high school hehe) and fruit juices. Haist. L

How do I feel about it? It is an understatement to say that I’m extremely sad. But I’m trying to become indifferent about it. I’m thinking that insisting to do and “drink” what I want will lead to nothing – just another episode which will worsen my situation and will break my family’s heart. Feeling depressed will not change my doctor’s mind. Nor will it change the situation. Bawal pa rin (It’s still prohibited). So, I try to surrender my loneliness to God and whenever I do, He faithfully replaces it with peace and joy. He gives me happy thoughts about OTHER THINGS, other than coffee or milk tea with tons of tapioca pearls. He reminds me that He loves me dearly and that I have to take care of myself so as to be mentally well. And for that, I am very grateful to Him. J

So the next time I visit the café or tea-place, I promise to THINK FIRST:  would it be coffee, tea or me? J

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Blogging with my favorite mug which contains no other than -- water!  Haha.