Jobless Again

Friend: So, Dana, where do you work now? What do you do?

Me: Uh, oh, uhm…. (Trying to find the right words – or excuse???).. Actually, I just resigned from my previous job... (Smiling with sadness in my eyes).

Friend: Ohh.. (Looks at me with a concerned and puzzled look)

Soooo saddd... 

This is the typical conversation that I always get when talking with friends and acquaintances about my career life. How does it feel to be jobless when people expect you to be already stable at the age of 36? Humiliating, of course. Humbling. It hurts my pride so much because people might be thinking, “Whatever happened to this girl who was once an achiever? What a bum.” L

When I'm down, my family is affected, too.

With Mariah, my niece.

Just this January, I lost my job again due to another psychotic episode. I think it was related to my fasting (partial) and dieting – I was not eating rice for a month although I was taking fruits, veggies, eggs, crackers and milk. The episode was a scary one, involving delusions of demons. L  On the lighter side, the story I created in my mind included famous characters like Adam Levine (Maroon 5) and Christina Aguilera. My psychiatrist was also a character in my story. Haha. The music hit “Moves Like Dagger” (Maroon 5) and “Our God” (Chris Tomlin) were always playing in my headphones even when I was asleep. In my mind, I was a spy. Found the connection? Hehe. Funny, no? Hehe. Well, that’s how a crazy mind thinks.

Now about the job I lost, my only consolation was that it was not forced resignation. My boss was actually very kind to still offer me part-time job if I needed one. Nevertheless, I chose to resign from that accounting firm I was working with due to my condition.

My mom witnessed all of my highs and lows.

Despite all that, her strength kept me going.

Mariah, why are you smiling at Tita Dana? 

Do I look funny? Nyehehe.

How many times have I lost my job since I got sick in 2007? Around four times already. But you know what? I have no regrets because ever since my last resignation, doors for work opportunity have been opening for me left and right. And God has been providing for my financial needs.

Off to work. Any work God gives. Happy.

There are many career options for bipolars but based on experience and according to research, “polar bears” should not be exposed to extreme stress. Therefore, bipolars should be careful in choosing which job to take. I know this is difficult especially now that it’s quite hard to find a job. But it all boils down to our CHOICES.

“You’ll have to start making choices that are different from the choices of most others you know. You won’t do it because you like it. You’ll make your choices because you know they’re healthy ones.”

-  Russ Federman, PhD and J. Anderson Thomson, Jr., MD, “Facing Bipolar,” p.86

Bipolar disorder, by the way, is also known as manic depression and is a psychiatric diagnosis for mood disorder. Those with this condition go through episodes of a frenzied state called mania (or hypomania) and typically alternates with periods of depression (Wikipedia).

Now, going back to being jobless – if you don’t have a job right now, don’t lose hope. There is always hope for everything because we have God, our Creator. And if you’re having problems at work and are dissatisfied with your career, take heart. It’s not the end of the world. God has something in store for you. He has a wonderful plan that you don’t know about yet. You just have to do your part.  Keep on trying and knocking on doors. You’ll never know what will open. Just hold on to the Lord and He will provide for your needs. Imagine, if it weren’t for a job loss, I wouldn’t have ventured into blogging and you wouldn’t be reading this message now. J Life has its many twists and turns but at the end of the day, God’s goodness and sovereignty prevails. God knows your talents and your gifts. He knows where you will excel. He knows your strengths and weaknesses. HE KNOWS YOU. HE LOVES YOU.

So relax, ENJOY the ride in this journey called Life.  J

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“And we know that in ALL things, God works for the good of those who love Him…” 

Romans 8:28

REzzzT

One thing that’s very important in a person’s life is REST.

You know, since the launch of “Memoirs of a Polar Bear,” I have been so blessed by the feedback I have received from all of you readers. The past week has been great! In fact, it has been wonderfully CRAZY! Hehe. And amazingly, in just one week, the blog has already approximately1000 pageviews! Something that I have never imagined would happen! I owe it all to you, my friends and readers. Most especially, I give back the praise to God. He’s the miracle-maker. J

But, I will have to be honest with you. The excitement and frenzy has gotten me bit tired. (A sign of old age? Haha). Or maybe my body, which has been at rest for many months now due to unemployment, is just shocked because I’m back at work again. Haha. And so I told myself that I will have to pace myself. You see, one thing that bipolars should avoid is STRESS. Take note of this information from a book that I’m reading…

“Many scientists believe that stress can trigger bipolar episodes and may contribute to the onset of the disorder. Sleep disruption resulting from stress is one factor. You may be able to link your first bipolar episode to some stress event in your life (p.24).”

“Although the underlying foundation for bipolar disorder must have been present, some people report that their episodes began when they were under great stress. These stressful events are the same ones known to threaten the health of people who don’t have bipolar disorder. They include childbirth, divorce or breakup of a relationship loss of a job, death of a loved one and serious financial difficulties (p.63).”

-  Dean A. Haycock, PhD, “The Everything Health

Guide to Adult Bipolar Disorder," 2^nd edition

And so yesterday, my mom and I went out and chillaxed in a café (don’t worry, I did not order coffee). And yes, I took a catnap. 

Catnap in the cafe.. Shhhh...

Mommeh enjoying her drink in her corner

Also, today, I spent time with my brother’s family because my brother would be leaving again for abroad. Mom cooked chicken-pork adobo* and pinakbet.** We just laughed and had fun as we shared stories about life. 

Mom's special chicken-pork adobo

Mom's ever famous pinakbet. The best in the world! Hehe.

*Adobo - Meat or seafood marinated in a sauce of vinegar and garlic, browned in oil and simmered in the marinade

**Pinakbet - An indigenous Filipino dish from the northern regions of the Philippines; made from mixed vegetables steamed in fish or shrimp sauce

(Source: Wikipedia)

Now if you’re stressed and tired, I hope you’ll find the time to really rest. You need it. And you will not regret the benefits that you and your family will gain from it. J

Spending quality and quantity time with family is a good way to unwind!

(L-R) Ate Peachy, Daddy, Mommy, me, Kuya Dennis, Ate Mimi

In picture frame (hehe) - Ate Ela (based in CA, USA)

Till my next blog. I'll just pause to recover now. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

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 “In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat –

for He grants sleep to those He loves.”  Psalm 127:2

Why Polar Bear?

My dear reader,

What images come to your mind when you think of a polar bear? Maybe a white fuzzy bear treading the Arctic Circle snow. Or the same animal diving the icy cold ocean in search for food. Or simply a cuddly bear given to you by a beloved someone which you hug as you slumber. J

 The only teddy bear that I have. Would you believe that during one of my episodes

I cut my teddy's fluffy feet, thinking my bear was evil? Poor teddy... 

Now, you might be thinking why I refer to myself as a POLAR BEAR.. Well, simply because I’m “bi-polar” (hahaha what a no-brainer!). Seriously though, I feel that I have some of the characteristics of the said bear.

For one, these bears have many body characteristics adapted for cold temperatures. I think that as a Christian, I have protection from God that allows me to survive as a bipolar in this “cold” and ruthless world. His love gives me enough warmth especially when I feel the stigma against psychiatric patients like me. I am safe and covered in His arms.

Another reason is this: the scientific name of polar bear, Ursus maritimus means “maritime bear.” Even though most of these bears are born on land, they spend most of their time in the sea (Wikipedia). As for me, the sea has been a delight. I love beaches, snorkeling and just looking at the beauty of God’s creation underwater. I also like swimming and doing laps if there’s a pool nearby. I praise God for the way He has created me – a sea and water-lover.

Dec 2012 in Coron, Palawan with my nephews and niece 

(L-R) Teejay, Bien, Mariah and me

           

Lastly, years back, I wasn’t as “soft-hearted” and “cuddly” or “friendly” as I am now (naks!). Family members and friends would attest to the fact that I used to have a very strong personality and I was very proud. I was never close to my family before. I lived an independent life and I barely, if not, provided for the financial needs of my parents who were already retired at that time. My mental breakdown softened me so much. It changed the way I saw life. It brought me closer to God and my family. I wouldn’t exchange anything for the experience that I had. J 

In our backyard garden with my teddy

I will not say, however, that I am totally okay. My character still needs a lot of fixing and I am still vulnerable to psychotic episodes especially if I am “pasaway” (stubborn), for example, if I  drink anything with caffeine again.

So, maybe, the next time you pass by a stuffed toy store or visit the internet and you see a polar bear, please say a prayer for me. Please pray for the healing of my mind, for self-discipline to follow my doctor’s advices and for continuous positive perspective in life.

Thank you, my dearest reader. J

Love,

Your Polar Bear Friend

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Mwah, mwah, mwah! 

Don't Leave Mee Coffee!

Have you ever been addicted to something (or someone hehe)? And after being addicted, have you ever been deprived of your one true love? Your all-time favorite?

My “love affair” with coffee began when I started working in 1999. And I would have to say that it developed into an addiction of sorts. Everyday, I would drink a tall Americano with breakfast, espresso with lunch, espresso with dinner and another cup before I workout in the gym after office hours.

When I had a nervous breakdown in 2007, I was devastated to learn that I can NEVER, EVER drink coffee again! What a bummer! It was the most heartbreaking thing for me! It might sound ridiculous for some but, really, IT WAS AN ISSUE. I tried to cajole my psychiatrist – hoping that he would allow me to drink – even decaf! And he did allow me! Weepee! But only “ONCE in a while.” Well, AT LEAST, I can still taste a bit of it, even once a month? :/

Well, I interpreted “once in a while” as “once A DAY decaf.”

As I suffered from the “permanent” loss of “real” coffee in my life, I sought for something to fill the void. A-ha! ICED TEA! My doctor said that I can drink it (diluted with lots of ice) “once in a while.” Wah-lah! And so, there began my friendship with TEA. When the milk tea craze hit the metro, I was ecstatic. My favorite was milk tea with lots and lots of tapioca pearls (sago). At last! Gone were my lonely days of not having any “comfort drink.”

Last December 2012, I was tempted to drink caffeinated coffee again. I could not resist the aroma of freshly brewed grounds at home. I thought, nothing bad could happen since I hadn't had any psychotic episode for more than a year. Well, that’s what I thought. Here’s what happened. My family and I were in Coron, Palawan and yes, I had been drinking strong coffee DAILY for a week. And, poof! I had a mild episode right after the island hopping! (Good thing it happened after that tour lest I would have ruined the whole trip!) I was paranoid and was crying about my paranoid thoughts. I thought that my family members were thinking ill of me. It was a blessing that my family was there to comfort me – as always. My sister who just came home from the States was so shocked and heartbroken to see me on an episode for the first time!

And so, on a psychotherapy after that event, my doctor and family emphasized that I really CANNOT have any stimulant nor caffeine in my body. Period. If I loved myself, my family and God, I will obey and sacrifice my wants. Boohoo.

So, now, I cannot drink anything – meaning, coffee, tea, chocolate, soda, whether hot nor cold, nothing, NOTHING! Nothing except water (the universal solvent – something I learned from Chemistry class in high school hehe) and fruit juices. Haist. L

How do I feel about it? It is an understatement to say that I’m extremely sad. But I’m trying to become indifferent about it. I’m thinking that insisting to do and “drink” what I want will lead to nothing – just another episode which will worsen my situation and will break my family’s heart. Feeling depressed will not change my doctor’s mind. Nor will it change the situation. Bawal pa rin (It’s still prohibited). So, I try to surrender my loneliness to God and whenever I do, He faithfully replaces it with peace and joy. He gives me happy thoughts about OTHER THINGS, other than coffee or milk tea with tons of tapioca pearls. He reminds me that He loves me dearly and that I have to take care of myself so as to be mentally well. And for that, I am very grateful to Him. J

So the next time I visit the café or tea-place, I promise to THINK FIRST:  would it be coffee, tea or me? J

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Blogging with my favorite mug which contains no other than -- water!  Haha.

Father's Day

"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person. He believed in me." 

                                                                                                                  -- Jim Valvano 

Me and my daddy-oh, Col. David T. Alimorong (RET, PA) 

I love you, Daddy Waggy! Happy Father's Day! You're the best! :) 

                               

Surprise! Surprise!

Around two to three months ago, I received a phone call from a very good friend. She asked how I was and I answered that I was back at home after having resigned from my job. I felt her deep concern as she suggested that I try "blogging" since I have a "talent" in writing. Honestly, I never really saw myself as a good writer. All through the years, I would just be surprised at how people recognized this "gift" that I have. 

Anyway, that's really how this whole concept of blogging started. Frankly, I needed income. 

But, as I started praying about it, the concept developed and the rationale became deeper. At the root of it was my "being." Why am I here? Why am I alive? What is my purpose in life? The answer, of course, is very clear to me -- to glorify my Maker who gave me breath and a heart that beats. 

Now, what to blog about? There are many blogs out there -- travel blogs, food blogs, event blogs, homeschooling blogs, parenting blogs and the list goes on. But I said to myself that this blog will be different!! From the beginning it was crystal clear -- I will write about my journey, my journey as a bipolar. YES, my friend. YOU GOT THAT RIGHT! I AM BIPOLAR. Surprise! Surprise! Finally, my deepest SECRET is out and there's no taking it back... :/

My welcoming message weeks ago mentioned that it took time for me to prepare for this blog's launch. This was really due to my STRUGGLE whether or not to disclose this extremely personal information to the public. I'm pretty sure you have an idea of how psychiatric patients are stigmatized in Philippine society. :(  I was very wary. Nevertheless, I took courage to reveal this because I want to be a voice for the rest of us with mental condition who are afraid and insecure. 

But more than this, it is my sincerest desire that through my travails as a bipolar, my experiences as relayed in this blog will glorify Jesus. I wish to share the Good News (of how He has wiped away my tears) to the rest of us living in this lonely and sometimes cruel world. I want to share the JOY I have received from Him who loves us deeply. 

And so today, June 14, 2013 (Philippine Time), I gladly launch my blog entitled "Memoirs of a Polar Bear." May you enjoy reading in the days, months and years to come.. 

<3 <3 <3

Love, 

Dana+