Deep Darkness

This past week started out on a heavy note. I got news of a friend whose family member is in big trouble which caused this friend of mine to fall into depression with suicidal thoughts. L

Let me share with you my thoughts on depression… Depression is very REAL. It is everywhere. There are MANY hurting people out there who are SILENTLY fighting the deep uncertain darkness, afraid of being discriminated by society.

Many people silently suffer from depression.
Photo Credit: Aurumarcus, Getty Images

By God’s grace, I haven’t been utterly downcast because in the spectrum of bipolar disorder, I am more manic (hyper) than depressive. But in my whole lifetime, I’ve had suicidal thoughts on two occasions. First was in early 2000 when I told God that if I didn’t get a scholarship for my graduate studies abroad, I will take my life. The second was in 2007 (after my first episode) when all my close friends cut communication with me. That was very painful because I spent almost 12 years of my life with them. Honestly, at that time, I felt I was abandoned and dropped like a hot potato. But through the years, I’ve tried to understand their reason for not communicating with me and I have forgiven them. I am sure they did it out of love and did not mean any harm. Maybe they just didn’t have the awareness on how to correctly handle a psychiatric patient at that time. Things happen for a reason and God is sovereign. Anyway, the good thing was God saved me from my suicidal thoughts back in 2007 even if I was still hallucinating and delusional at that time.

I’ve also seen depression in my father in the past. There were days, months even, when he would just stay in bed the whole day with desperate thoughts… He was in and out of various hospitals (psychiatric wards and home care centers) for almost 10 years. My father went though many painful experiences in life which caused him to spiral down into depression. This pushed our family to the edge of the cliff and that was when we came to know the saving love and power of Jesus Christ. God taught our family that only unconditional LOVE can heal my father. Medicine can help but without the support and prayers of family, true friends and the church family, healing will be difficult. My father is so much better now. He says that he battled depression by counting his blessings and by focusing on helping others rather than looking at his own problems. He is one strong man and I admire him for having weathered the storms through the years. He is not perfect but he is a loving and selfless father. He is a hero. My mom is also a hero. She stood by her vow of not leaving my father and the rest of us siblings though it was very difficult. I admire her, too. I praise God for my wonderful parents. May they be blessed, indeed.

Therefore friends, if you know people who are depressed (or who have ailments), LOVE them. PRAY for them. LISTEN to them. ACCEPT them. Never leave them because no man is an island. Let them know that you are there for them. We were created as social beings. Let us never judge them because we will NEVER truly understand the hopeless pit they are in. Only God can perfectly understand the searing pain. And only God can save! That is why the Bible is perfect and beautiful by saying:

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”  Matthew 7:1-2

God has been gracious to me through the years – fixing my mind and theology. I had suicidal thoughts before because I did not study the Word of God correctly. Suicide is a SIN. And no one has the right to take away his/her own life because it belongs to God. Praise God for His mercy upon me -- He has forgiven me of that sin!

Friends, in life, we will all go through different levels of darkness. But rest assured that Christ is our LIGHT! Thus, let us always walk in His light. J

“Jesus said, 'I am the LIGHT of the world. Whoever FOLLOWS ME will never walk 
in darkness but will have the light of LIFE.' ”  John 8:12

* * *

On the corner of Fifth Street


The homeless man needs to eat


Down on the edge of town

Lost his family long ago


Nobody even knows


They all just pass him by

In a high rise building


The rich man has everything


But the ladder has reached its end

Hasn't talked to his kids in weeks


He and his wife don't even speak


But nobody even knows

And all the world cries for HEALING!


The deepest LONGING for the love of God!


And oh, the greatest mystery...

Love has come to SET US FREE!

In the little quiet town


The HOPE of the world was found


Under the night sky

HE died and rose again


The sacrifice that conquered sin


Now we are His feet, His hands

And love is on the move


Revealing heaven's TRUTH


Love is on its way 
and it will find you

And anyone can run 
into the arms of God


Oh, LOVE is on its way
 and it will find you

It will find you
.

-  Leeland, “Love is on the Move”

<3

Anniversary!

And… I’m… BACK! J

You might be wondering whatever happened to me! I mean, my last blog was ONE YEAR AGO. Hello! Earth to Dana.. Well many things DID happen! After my last blog, I developed back pains again (huhuhu) which prevented me from blogging the whole day. Because of this, I became “idle” again and ended up wasting my time watching TV. That was quite depressing because it was like my life was going nowhere. L

Until, Jesus saved me again!

WORK

As you all (might) know, I was praying for work last February 2013. I NEEDED to do something about my finances because at my age, I didn’t want to burden my parents with my personal expenses. Then, I wanted to financially support them, too, even if they are not putting any pressure on me regarding this matter. Plus, I felt that it’s not yet time to touch my savings. I tried blogging but it didn’t turn out to be income-generating for me. Perhaps it was not God’s will.

So, I prayed to the Lord about it and shared the burden with my D-Group (discipleship or Bible study group) leader from church. Two weeks later, I got a very wonderful surprise!! My dear D-Group leader, Ma’am Ovel (Mama Bear) offered me a job in her father’s company, the VG Gatdula Construction, Inc. Yipee-dee! J 

What touched my heart so much was their compassion for a bipolar like me. They knew about my condition yet they were willing to give me a chance to work. That’s why I felt I really needed to blog about this so as to acknowledge their goodness to me. To our Big Boss, Mr. Victor Gatdula, thank you po for your kindness and understanding. To Sir Art and Ma’am Ovel Alvarez, may God bless your big hearts. You don’t know how much of a blessing you all have been to me! I pray that I will really be able to serve well as to the Lord and that He will bless and sustain the company and the lives/families it supports. J

So what do I do now?! Well, I’m a construction worker enjoying much of mixing sand and gravel. Hehe. Joke. J  My boss assigned to me accounting work and a bit of human resources. It’s just so funny because even if I’m still having problems with numbers, the Lord always brings me back to numbers. Hehe. I think the Lord has a cute sense of humor. And yes, I believe He also wants to train my brain with numbers. J

But most importantly, I thank the Lord for the open door. Once again, He answered my prayer. And I’m also very happy that I’m given the chance to tithe again and give back to Him the offering that He deserves as an expression of my love and thanksgiving. J 

TWO EPISODES

Well, unfortunately, I experienced two minor episodes this year – January and June. But the office was kind enough to allow me sick leaves then come back to work upon recovery. Again and as usual, I was given Risperidone 2mg which was later on removed once I was stabilized on both occasions. Now, in addition to Depakote 500mg (mood stabilizer), I’m taking nutritional supplements - multivitamins and fish oil concentrate (with EPA and DHA which are needed by the brain) and these have been doing wonders in my head. I know the Lord has a reason why these episodes happen. Maybe He’s teaching me to get up and get up again whenever I fall thereby making me stronger everytime. What’s important is that I also take care of myself and never lose hope. Let me share with you these verses from the Bible which have been strengthening me.. J

The Armor of God

Finally, be STRONG in the LORD and in His MIGHTY POWER. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of TRUTH buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the Gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of FAITH with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of SALVATION and the SWORD of the Spirit which is the WORD OF GOD. And PRAY in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."  Ephesians 6:10-18

MY BABY BLUE

And oh, I will not fail to mention another sweet gift that the Lord gave me this year. He gave me a doggie – a Japanese spitz – and I named him after one of my favorite colors, “Blue.” J  Blue is such a blessing. He’s my therapy after a long day at work and after going through heavy traffic. Research says that having pets is a good form of therapy for people with mental condition. I can vouch for that. J

One day last week, I didn’t sleep at home, rather, I stayed in my sister’s house. Thus, it was the first time for Blue not to see me coming home to play with him. I learned the day after that he waited and waited and waited for me. L Mom said he wouldn’t sleep and was still awake at 12:00 midnight! (He normally sleeps at 8pm). My heart broke when I learned about it. My poor baby Blue. Huhuhu. L  I just tried my best to make it up to him when I arrived. I was so touched at how the Lord made me feel loved, even just through a pet which I already consider as family. It was my firsthand experience of how dogs can be so loyal. I remember the story of this old man who had a dog as a best friend. Everyday, the dog will wait at the train station for his master. Until one day, the man died but the dog waited and waited for his master at the train station. As far as I can remember, I think the dog died on the same spot where he was waiting. I'm not sure if this is a true story but it's a wonderful example of how beautiful God’s creation is. 

Me and my sweet baby. I love you so much, Blue! <3

CHURCH FAMILY

Another year has been added to our church, the Christ’s Commission Fellowship (CCF). We are 30 years old! Truly, God has been faithful in “Changing Lives for Eternity.” J I just praise Him for allowing me to be part of this church family where I can grow in my relationship with the Lord and in my understanding of the Bible, God's Word. Praise God for the many wonderful people He has brought into my life (on top of my loving biological family ofcourse) -- my DGroup leader, Ma’am Ovel, and the rest of my ate’s and tita’s in the group who have supported me all the way; my Pretty Pixie ladies whom the Lord has given me to mentor; our Pastors who have dedicated their lives to make  Christ-committed followers who will also make Christ-committed followers ... and my dear friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, whom I know are keeping me in their prayers. Thank you, thank you to the skies! I love you all! I pray I will be able to give back to you your kindness to me. <3

My Pretty Pixie Ladies (DGroup)
(L-R): Orphelle, Carla, Abbie and Venok
Not in picture: Geva

My DGroup (CATS) composed of these lovely women.
Front Row (L-R): Tita Marisa, Tita Beth, Ate Diosell, Ma'am Ovel, Tita Jane, Dra. Dea, Ma'am Yoly, Ma'am Jenny
Top Row (L-R): Dra. Rolyn, Ate Monet and myself
Not in picture: Ate Joy, Ate Chriss and Ate Marivic

It’s amazing how Jesus transforms people from all walks of life; lost and broken people like us -- making us whole forever. His LOVE keeps us together. And as we continue to walk through this life, despite the storms, may we always trust in Jesus, the lover of our souls. Happy 30th Anniversary, CCF! 

The greatest day in history

Death is beaten, You have rescued me

Sing it out, Jesus is alive

The empty cross, the empty grave

Life eternal, You have won the day

Shout it out, Jesus is alive...

He's ALIVE! 

When I stand in that place

Free at last, meeting face to face

I am Yours, Jesus You are mine

Endless joy, perfect peace

Earthly pain finally will cease

Celebrate, Jesus is alive...

He's ALIVE!

Oh, what a glorious day

What a glorious way

That You have saved me

And oh, what a glorious day

What a glorious Name -- JESUS!

Oh, happy day, happy day!

You washed my sin away

Oh, happy day, happy day!

I'll NEVER be the same

FOREVER I'M CHANGED! 

-- "Oh, Happy Day" by Jesus Culture

We love You, Lord Jesus. You're the best -- yesterday, today and forever! 

<3 <3 <3